Thursday, February 14, 2008

I'm Depressed

Depression sucks. It sucks because it’s not necessarily related to what’s going on in your life. Like say your dad dies; it would be obvious and understandable for you to say, “I’m depressed.” But say that everything in your life is going fine, you have a job, a house, a family, etc.; it seems less reasonable, perhaps almost unappreciative to then say, “I’m depressed.”

The difference in the two is that one is an actual indication of bad times, where the grieving process is necessary, and the other are feelings of depression due to a chemical imbalance in the brain.

This site is helpful in understanding depression, the signs of depression, and treatments for depression. The site states: “Many things can trigger debilitating depression. Feelings of depression are caused by a chemical change that affects how the brain functions.”

What is not helpful is that there’s not much you can do about it when it hits you. Yes, you can (and I do) take medication to assist with the chemical imbalance, but sometimes even that isn’t enough. I mean seriously, what the heck! I have so much for which I should be thankful and happy. Why can't I just knock it off?

In a recent post, I expressed my desire to get out of my rut. I had a plan and I felt respectable for wanting to make a change, not just wanting to bathe myself in my misery. Some days I feel just as euphoric as I did the day I made that decision. The rest of the days, not so much. It’s such a challenge to think positively about anything. I hate this or I don’t feel like doing that. It’s self-defeatist, I know that, yet here I am doing it!

Since I started this blog, not a day has gone by where I haven’t had the desire to write. The Boy said this, or I experienced that, I can incorporate this incident into my blog. And then yesterday, WHAM! I get hit with this wave of disinterest in everything. I’m not interested in my work, in eating (gasp!), in my blog. I don’t want to play video games, read magazines, or go outside where the weather is beautiful. All I want to do is get in my pajamas, get into bed, and sleep. Sleep all day and all night, not talking to anyone until this feeling goes away.

I’m sitting at my desk thinking I have the desire to write on my blog today, however I do not feel like writing anything. I don’t feel like opening up a new Word document. I don’t feel like typing the words to this idea I have. So I don’t. Then I’m frustrated because I’m letting this feeling take over me. It’s like I’m two different people. One of me says, “Hey, you have something cool to write about, do it!” The other me says, “Nope. Sorry, we don’t feel like it today.” The first me says, “Oh, okay.” Then we both feel bad for giving in to the antagonistic behavior. It’s a very bizarre feeling to have.

There’s nothing changing it either. I can’t take an extra pill, I can’t talk myself out of it, the weather doesn’t change it.

I didn’t feel like writing about anything today, repeating the same argument inside my head with my two selves. Finally I decide, “Fine! Just write about this.” “Fine! I will.” I forced myself to do it. Now that it is done do you think I feel a sense of completion? No, I don’t. I’m totally critical of my writing. This is stupid, you shouldn’t feel this way. It’s not long enough. It doesn’t explain enough. People will read this and they won’t appreciate what you are going through.

Whatever. I don’t care people! Like it, don’t like it. I didn’t even want to write it in the first place.

Okay, have a great day! Ha!


The Budget Babe said...

it seems like we're all waging a constant war against depression. i have no magic words of advice but in my experience, the only thing that works is forcing yourself to do things. anything. only then will your mind follow your actions. you have to force yourself to call a friend, force yourself to cook a new recipe, force yourself to go walk around the mall or the zoo. something changes chemically, and then your emotions/mind will follow your body's lead. you can't wait for your mind to "snap out of it". also, just know you're not alone! wishing you all the best... :)