Wednesday, February 20, 2008

To the Female Boss

You are a loser. It took me awhile to realize this; it actually took someone else telling me for me to recognize it. You are living in an unhappy marriage, you are unhappy with yourself, and misery loves company, doesn’t it?

You gave me my annual review. I’m not sure why you are my “boss” – I don’t think the fact that you track my absences qualifies you to give me an accurate evaluation. You insist that I “report” to you, but I really receive all of my assignments from The Quiet Boss.

It is not unreasonable for you to say that I spend too much time on the internet. I know this. But I still get my work done. Nothing is ever late and it is usually correct. I get here on time so that you can meander in thirty minutes late every day. I stay in during the lunch hour so that you can take ninety minute lunches. I do the work of five people so that you can do the work of half of a person. You’d think I’d get some mercy from you when it comes to the internet. Yes, I have a highly visible desk, but everyone knows how much work I do. I think you might be the only person in the office who actually cares what is on my monitor. I think everyone else in the office has a life and they are concerned with their own work, not focused on what I am doing. I’m pretty sure I’m not number one on their list of “let’s see what she’s working on right now.” And P.S., I see you looking back at my screen when you walk by my desk. Guess what? I’ve already minimized the internet screen. It gets minimized every time I see you coming. Also, I know you quietly sneak when coming up from behind me to see what I am doing. I don’t care if you see me on the internet. It reminds me that I have a life that is better than any petty excuse you might have for existing.

If I worked in a cubicle where nobody could see what I did all day, you would be singing praises at the amount of work I can pump out in a forty hour week. I know this because everyone else is already singing praises for all of the work I do. That is also how I know that they aren’t paying attention to what is on my computer screen.

And once I figure out what the heck I want to do with my career, you are going to be so sorry you ever treated me poorly. I’m going to get out of there so fast you won’t know what happened and good luck finding a replacement that puts up with your micromanaging nonsense AND performs as well as I do. You will either be stuck with someone who is so stupid they don’t realize that there is micromanaging going on, but they can’t do the work I do and you’ll have to do it, or work harder to make sure it gets done or is correct. I know your lazy behind won’t like that. OR, you’ll have high turnover for the position because a smart person will not put up with you for very long. The only reason I have suffered through it for this long is because I don’t know what I want to do.

So I am forced to write my blogs in Word first and then transfer them to Blogger either at home or during my lunch hour. Or copying the text I want to read online and pasting it into Word. Now you are wondering, what is she typing, or what is she reading in that Word document? You may eventually figure out my little “trick,” but hopefully I will be gone before you do. Gone to a place where people value and respect me.

Do you really think that nobody notices you talking on the phone on personal calls for half the day (you are doing it right now)? You know our phones show how long you have been on the phone? And that I can see it whenever I go to your desk? And that at least once a day it says that you have been on the phone with the same caller for over TWO HOURS? I have never been on the internet continuously for that amount of time. Let me tell you – you don’t have that much enlightening information to pass on to your kids and daughter-in-law. And even if you did, I guarantee you that they don’t want to hear it.