Monday, May 5, 2008

Another One Bites The Dust

Duuuuuuuuuuuuude. Can I please pay someone to stay my friend? Pretty please? I’ll pay you to be my BFF and no matter what I say or do, you have to stay my friend, okay? Because I swear to you that is the ONLY WAY I’M EVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO KEEP A FRIEND.

You read my blog, which is the most honest side of me. What do I have to hide on here? Nothing. I have not told friends or family about this blog. Not for any reason than the fact that I am new at this and I like the anonymity right now. Only The Man and two friends (Hi Salty, Hi Jenny) know about this blog. So this is the real me that you read.

Is there something fundamentally unlovable about me? Other than going on and on about The Boy and complaining about work too much? I am a nice person, right?

Why then, can no woman continue to be friends with me? I’m serious. In reading my writing, if you see that something could be a potential problem in a friendship, please let me know, okay?

Here is what happened THIS TIME. This family moved here from down south a little over a year ago. They didn’t know anyone and we basically attacked them with our friendship. For the first year we had endless meals with them, played hours of Wii, birthday parties, San Francisco Zoo, etc. Lots of fun. We spent an entire weekend devoted to helping them move from their rental to a house that they bought. I thought The Man and I were the model of perfect friends.

Another couple and his parents also befriended this family. I used to go to high school with this girl (let’s call her P) and we now go to the same church. I wouldn’t call us friends (I wasn’t a very nice person in high school. See? I admit that. But a person changes after high school and it’s been almost eleven years for goodness’ sakes.), but I wouldn’t have ever thought to call us enemies either.

Anyway, we are friends friends friends with this family and then we went to a Super Bowl party at P’s house with this family who has now been here for a year. After that the friendship stops. Still say hello and exchange pleasantries, but nothing else. I realize that we aren’t seeing them and I’m trying to figure out what happened. I e-mail the mom of this family (we’ll call her B). My e-mail was like, “I just want to make sure everything is okay. If I have done or said something to offend let me know.” Because I know I speak my mind and people can get feel slighted. Anyway, I totally gave her the opportunity to tell me what’s up. No reply. So I send her a MySpace message because I see she’s online at the time. Said the same thing and also – hey did you get my e-mail.

Before I tell you her response I have to tell you this: She used to be a teacher before she became a SAHM. So I would think proper spelling would be the minimum courtesy she could give me in her reply. Also, when receiving e-mails from her in the past, they were very well written.

Her reply was something like this: “e-mail axt heosue not wrkng right niow Everythings fine just rrealy bussy. Talk too your latters.” Seriously? Unless she let her ten month old help her type, I really don’t find this response very reassuring. Like, you don’t even care enough about me to write a response with proper spelling. I wanted to believe her so I just let it go.

Probably a month has gone by and we have not seen or heard from them. We see them at church and she even started to come to our Sunday School with P, the girl I used to go to high school with. B doesn’t say hi to me and doesn’t look at me. That seems like something isn’t right, doesn’t it? But what can I do about it? Nothing. BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW WHAT I DID WRONG!!! It’s just not fair.

I’ve gone over things that were said and done and tried to analyze and reanalyze what I possibly could have said or done to solicit this response. I only thought of one thing, she said Spongebob is an inappropriate show for children to watch (we let The Boy watch it), and I said, Oh but CSI is an appropriate show for children? (she let’s her five year old watch CSI). She said, Oh we don’t let her watch it anymore because she started having nightmares (duh) and I was like Oh really? in a somewhat sarcastic tone but also joking. That could have hurt her feelings and I would be willing to apologize. If only she would just tell me that’s what I did. I can't go around apologizing to people for potentially hurting their feelings for saying something I thought was funny. I'd spend all my time apologizing. I'm really funny.

And also, I’ve thought, maybe P has said something to her, like told her something I did in high school and B now finds it unacceptable to be my friend (P.S. there was nothing that bad in high school that I did, just typical high school girls stuff)?

So now I have a problem. I don’t want to have tension because it is not enjoyable to me. I’m not leaving this church just because she doesn't like me. What are my options? Here is how I see them:

1. Forget about her. Let there be tension and just drop the whole thing and (try to) move on with my life. I don’t need someone like that in my life anyway.

2. E-Mail her again. Check to make sure there isn’t anything I have done to hurt her. If I get the same kind of response as I did before, then implement Option #1.

3. Start calling her incessantly invite her to stuff like, Hey are you guys available on this date? No, what about this date? And just bombard her until she either says they are free and we spend time with them or she screams UNCLE and finally tells me why she doesn’t want to hang out anymore.

4. Spread a nasty rumor about her daughter (I have a doozie AND it’s true which is the best part). Obviously I’m joking about this one, but it does let you in on the fact that yes I am a little bit evil and maybe this is why people don’t like me.

I’m thinking Option #3 is my best bet to getting an honest answer from her OR to finding out that nothing really was wrong and they really were just busy and maybe she didn’t see me in Sunday School. It just seems a little bit desperate to me. But I am desperate, so I guess that’s why that option fits the best.

Can I tell you something else? She's a pastor's wife. Can I just say I don't think she is acting very Christian? He is a youth pastor. So maybe she's just so used to hanging out with high schoolers that she has started to act like one? She should be setting a proper example.

The Man says, Don’t worry, M and A are still your friends. I’m like, Yeah for now. Just wait. You’ll see. I’ll find a way to ruin it. I always do.

To be honest with you, these stories about losing friends are not encouraging Salty and Jenny, who are moving here from very very very far away and they won’t know anyone either and we are going to attack them with our friendship. Ha – good luck guys. Seriously, I love you forever, please don’t leave me.

All I can say to them is that I am committed to being a friend. In the past, even since I started writing this blog last December; I have discussed finding people’s fatal flaws, but now I’m committed to NOT finding their flaws (thanks to my therapist) and trying to accept them for who they are.

I am asking one thing in return: if people would please tell me when I have spoken out of turn and what I have said so that I can learn to be a better friend. That is all I want – to be the bestest friend a person can have. Because I really am a great person; I care about other people. I would give someone the shirt off my back (if I had another shirt on beneath it). I’m a people pleaser and would give everything to a friendship and I never expect anything in return. Which may not be healthy and may be why I get so hurt when I have invested my feelings so deeply. But that is who I am.

Am I the only person who has this problem? Does anyone else go through this? I feel like I am the only one in the whole wide world going through this. I’m hoping that someone in the whole world wide web can tell me that they go through this same thing and wonder what in the heck is wrong with themselves.

And to that person I say can we be friends?


Anonymous said...

My opinion would be that if this is a "pattern" that you openly recognize there is something in your character that triggers this(losing friends). If you really want to get to the root of this and fix it,I'd say ambush this woman(don't set up a prearranged event) and beg her to talk to you.Explain yourself and beg her for her honesty.