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Sunday, May 11, 2008

Mommy

Mother's Day is hard for me. Maybe because I don't really feel like a Mom. When someone wishes me Happy Mother's Day, I feel like that saying should be reserved for grown up, serious mommies. Not me. I am silly with The Boy, I lose my temper with him, and I don't make him eat fruits and vegetables. Someone should be giving me lessons today; not congratulating me for attempting in vain to pass as a mother.

Also, Mother's Day reminds me that I am not close with my mother. We are closer these days than in years past, but I am still reserved around her. She has hurt me deeply and I would say my heart has forgiven her but I surely have not forgotten. And I fear the way she has hurt me is what will eventually distance my son from me. My mother is judgmental and covertly finds ways to convey disappointment in many areas of my life (and everyone else's life too). So I refrain from sharing with her and my father for fear of rejection from them. We all know that I am outspoken, so much so that it probably affects my friendships. Will this trait one day alienate me from The Boy? I am terrified of that and it is my dream to one day find balance between my brain and my mouth if only to preserve our relationship.

Feelings were not openly discussed or encouraged when I was growing up. It is difficult for me to openly tell my mom how much I appreciate her. I read a blog post recently (I'm sorry I don't remember where it was from or I would totally give it credit here), and it said that a mom was seeing her grown daughter love her child and wishing that she could hold her daughter that way again. That seems so foreign to me; does my mother feel like that? I may never know and that makes me sad.

Not to appear high and mighty, I have not been the perfect daughter either. So more guilt sets in as I remember all of the terrible things I did as a daughter and realize that no Mother's Day gift could ever make up for my behavior.

I have loved my day today. The Man and The Boy have shown me their love. They took me to breakfast where I wanted to go, The Boy took a nap, and The Boy gave me a "VERY speshul" card with flower seeds in it and a fan that he colored at school. He was so proud and excited to give me my present. I felt loved. And even though it feels odd being wished Happy Mother's Day, I did have a good day being a Mommy.

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