Thursday, September 11, 2008

Screwed Like a High Speed Black and Decker Power Drill

I'm putting my whole self out here for everyone to read. So be nice. Really, my heart is raw right now and I'm telling some major family secrets.

Also, I am tagging this as "MAYBE I'll Tell You When You're Older" because it's totally inappropriate for The Boy. But I need to get it out. I can't keep it in anymore.

First, the background.

Here is background about my brother:

My brother is two years younger than me. We were probably close for the first three to five years of his life and by close I mean that we played well together. Blocks, trucks, dolls, "school," etc. After that, not so much. I don't know what it was, if I just didn't like him because he was my little brother, or if he actually was a pest.

Anyway, there was lots of fighting. From stupid stuff like "He's looking at me, she's on my side of the car" when we were younger to me SPRAYING WINDEX IN HIS EYES and him KNOCKING ME OUT UNCONSCIOUS when we were older.

Side note: For those of you who have sons and daughters, please make a big deal out of your sons hitting your daughters. I don't care what I ever did to my brother, 1) It is NEVER okay for boys to hit girls and 2) it is TERRIBLE for a girl's self esteem to see her parents not discipline their son for hitting their daughter and will affect her greatly in her adult years. Love her and don't let him do it. SERIOUSLY.

Being older, I was smarter than him and I cheated when we played games (not ALL the time) and told him he was a loser, etc. And I don't know if it's all my fault or if it was also in part due to my parents parenting skills (or lack thereof) that he actually turned INTO A LOSER.

He was (still is, I suppose) actually really smart. Too smart I think for his grade level and he was therefore bored. He didn't like doing homework. He would not do it at all or do it and then not turn it in. Also, I think as a teen he was very depressed and it went unrecognized and untreated and he was told (not by me) that he just wasn't trying, etc. I think he needed professional help and didn't get it.

Here is background about my dad's side of the family:

My dad did not have a good childhood. He was the result of an affair, which ended his birth mother's marriage with the man she was married to. His birth mother did not stay with the birth father and therefore my dad grew up without a dad and with a mother who resented him and also an older brother and sister who knew everything and resented him for their parent's divorce and were relentless about reminding him of this constantly. And if you thought the windex and knocking me out was a bad story, you're not going to like my dad and his brothers relationships. They used to beat each other on the garage floor to see who could make the other pass out first. As one person would climb up the tree to the tree house, the other would throw nails in each others heads to see if they could make them stick. These and many other stories were relayed to my broher and I at inappropriate ages. I remember these stories very vividly because they haunt me.

In addition, another haunting story I was told at a young age, my dad was molested by his uncle. With a wire hanger. That is all I know. I don't even want to know that much but I don't know if his uncle was caught or if my dad even told anyone.

In high school, he met a guy and went to his house for dinner one night and his family was a loving Christian family and accepted my dad for everything he was. They pretty much adopted him and I think my dad started living with them. He now had three brothers and two loving parents.

That is who I grew up knowing as "Granny and Papa" and all of my uncles and their wive were my aunts and they all had tons of kids and they were my cousins and we were all very close. Holidays, Christmas espeically, was so much fun, big and loud and full of good food and presents and laughing and bursting with warmth and love.

Here is the background of the situation:

I turned 18 and graduated high school in 1997 (that would make me 29 right now for those of you who are trying to do the math). That summer, something awful happened. My brother was babysitting my three cousins, two boys and a girl (she was five), the cousins whose dad was the guy my dad met in high school actually. He babysat them during the summer while they were out of school. Without going into the detail of how it was discovered or what exactly happened, my brother molested my girl cousin and her neighbor friend.

It ripped our family apart. Everyone.

This is another thing I remember that my parents did a few times. I would come home from doing something really fun and then they would give me really terrible news.

Once, I went to a roller skating birthday party and I had such a blast, I was probably on the biggest fun a high a girl that age could be (I think I was nine or something). All I had to do was come home and go to bed and my day would have been safely remembered as a really great day. Tell me the bad news the next day. But my parents called me into the kitchen and told me that my great grandmother had died. I was devastated. I was very close to my great grandmother and I was young and had just recently dealt with the death of her husband, my great grandfather, to whom I was also very close. He told me that if I ate burnt bread that I would get curly hair (it didn't work). The great day was completely erased and eclipsed by that news.

So, not to stray from their "normal" style, I came in at night from having fun although I cannot remember what it was as this eclipsing news would change my life. My brother was watching television and my parents were sitting at the table in the other room. I was headed to bed when they called me in. Couldn't let me sleep one more night in peace. Sit down, they said. I sit. We having something to tell you, they said. This happened.

WHAT? I couldn't even believe it. HOW could he do this? I HOPE HE KILLS HIMSELF, I said.

Stay tuned.


Rachael said...

What an amazing post. I am constantly surprised by what people can go through and still turn into the amazing women that they are. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, and I can't wait to hear what you have to say next.

Beth at I Should Be Folding Laundry said...

I have learned so much recently that you have no idea what others have been through and this post, thus far, is a true testament to that lesson.

You are an excellent writer, a wonderful person, I can't imagine having gone through some of what you have gone through, I've been thinking about you a lot lately.

I will be back.