Monday, December 8, 2008

I Have A Person

I love the show Grey's Anatomy. I love Cristina and Meredith's relationship. Right now they are fighting. But I think they will make it. Because they are each other's persons. Quotes from the show that I love:

Cristina: "Mer, why do you care what I think?"
Meredith: "Because you're my person!"

Dr. Torres: "Anyone ever think you two are a couple?"
Meredith: "No, because we screw boys like whores on tequila..."
Cristina: "...then we either try to marry them or drown ourselves."
Dr. Torres: "Huh..."

"You're all dark and twisty inside."

"If I murdered someone she’s the person I’d call to help me drag the corpse across the living room floor."

I have a person. Finally. Someone who will accept my flaws and love me anyway. Who will call me out on my crap and know that it won't ruin our friendship. Complete honesty, no bullshit. Sometimes it sucks, but mostly it's wonderful. Because I know I can tell her anything. She will listen to me if I ask her to and not judge. Or she will judge the hell out of me and keep me in line. And I try to do the same for her.

My only concern is that I work with her. And in the past, when I have had friends at work, when we stop working together, the friendship dissolves. Most times because neither person pursued the friendship, but a few times where I flat out did not respond to the efforts of the other person. And yet I complain about not having someone! Anyway, I just wasn't "feeling" it, and I didn't want it to be forced. Of course right now I feel like that could never happen with my person, but that's because we see each other every day and I cannot imagine my life without her. We shall see.

At this time, I am just ecstatic about have a person.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Lost Innocence

Have you ever seen the movie Nemo? It's a cute Disney movie about a fish who gets separated from his dad and their journey to find each other.

However, in the first scene of the movie, Nemo's mother and all her baby eggs (except for Nemo's egg) get eaten by this eel thing. It's so violent! So I decided I NEVER EVER wanted The Boy to watch that scene. Whenever he watched that movie, we skipped the first scene and just started the movie on Nemo's first day of school.

So they showed the movie at school the other day. And started it from the beginning.

The Boy came home and said something about Nemo's mother and I swear I thought my head might snap right off my neck as I whipped my head around and incredulously exclaimed, "WHAT?!?" How could they show this tragedy to my BABY?!? He was obviously going to be scarred for life now.

He is fine. Duh. I'm still a little traumatized.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Fresh Start

I have been considering starting a new blog and not telling anyone I know IRL about it. No offense to those who know me and read this. I feel like I cannot truly be myself. Although the first reason I am blogging is to have stories for The Boy to remember, the second reason is for myself to have a place to be comfortable expressing myself. And I'm not.

Not In Kansas Anymore

Kansas is gone. She was not being a good kitty. It's not like we weren't thinking she wasn't going to have any kitten traits. We were fully expecting her to climb up in high places, chew on paper, scratch our couch. We were NOT expecting to have a fetish for all things electric.

The cat liked to shock herself. She chewed up our ethernet cable. She chewed up my charger to my iPhone. She chewed the cable connecting the keyboard to the computer. That one caused a good shock, complete with foaming at the mouth.

We didn't even have her that long. And yet she caused us several hundreds of dollars in damages. We honestly couldn't afford to keep her.

The Boy was very sad. But I think he understood. He doesn't seem to miss her very much, he doesn't mention her.

There is some good news in all of this. The people we got her from still had her brothers and sisters and they gladly took her back. So at least she's not dead.

Monday, October 6, 2008

It's Nothing Like I Thought It Was Going To Be

I am so not into my work today. My brother is here today. And really, it is not bothering me. It IS strange to see him. His body is that of an adult, but I still see my kid brother. His voice is deep, but to me it sounds like he’s trying to make it that way, because I remember him with a pre-pubescent squeaky voice.

I figured out what is really bothering me through all of this, which is that my parents do not understand me. The Man went to lunch with my dad about three weeks ago and the conversation turned to me and The Man mentioned how difficult this transition was for me. My dad flipped out and said I ASKED HER IF THIS WAS OKAY WITH HER. HOW CAN I TRUST ANYTHING SHE SAYS TO ME?

The Man said wait a minute, calm down. It IS okay with her, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy for her. He said that my parents don’t provide a safe environment for me to express myself with them which is why I didn’t elaborate on my feelings, but that it is something I want dearly and if only he and my mom would take the time to sit down and talk to me. I don’t think my dad heard a word The Man said.

Three weeks later, and no attempt has been made to discuss anything with me. That makes me think they just flat out don’t care about having a truly open and honest relationship with me.

My dad calls me into his office last week and says, “We’re having a family meeting next Saturday. You need to get a baby-sitter for The Boy. I’m going to say my piece and anyone else who wants to talk can do so. But as head of this family, I’m going to go first. You and your brother, although you are our children, you are not kids anymore, and you need to start treating each other as adults. We will discuss the ground rules.”

What any of this means, I have no clue. I think he thinks I have a problem with my brother because him being here is hard for me. I think he may want us to like “work it out” or something on Saturday. Really, though, by not understanding that any transition with a family member would be complicated, my dad has now changed the focus. Whereas I used to be thinking, Hey, my brother is coming back, there’s a lot of baggage there, etc. everything else that goes with it, now it’s like HEY RED FLAG, YOU’RE PARENTS HAVE NOT THE SLIGHTEST CLUE WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH. And that’s really the hard part of this for me.

So I went to the therapist today (thanks to my person). I went with the intention of finding out how to communicate with my parents about who I really am. He always gives me great communication tools and I figured, once I was armed with whatever that was, I could fix this relationship problem with my parents and move on. I was looking forward to actually having a close relationship with my parents after he gave me the tools to do this. Here is what he said:

“You’re parents are not going to understand you.”

Wow. I was shocked. That was the farthest answer from my head. It never even occurred to me that this could be a possibility.

I was like, Um, what? And he said, “If you’re parents are not willing to be part of this, you can’t do anything to show them who you really are. They have an idea in their ‘box’ of who you are. You don’t fit into that shape, and that’s not going to change unless they decide to change their way of thinking, which they appear to have no desire to do at this point in time.”

My parents have no desire to change and get to know who their daughter actually is, which is way better than the idea they have of who I am. And I have to accept this.

Now I have something completely new to get over. Forget about re-accepting my brother into my life, and now his wife, who is a complete stranger, and oh, by the way, she’s having a baby. And my parents paid for them to move out here, and they are living with my parents, and my dad’s business is going to pay for their health insurance because we can’t have her going to county doctors, mom is going to take her to doctor appointments (she never came with me), all of this when they theoretically couldn’t “afford” to buy The Boy pants, The Boy now has to share his grandparents, etc. But I can easily move past all of that.

But accepting the fact that my parents are not a safe place to express myself. That’s painful to my very core.